Not a True 'Blogger'

Thats fine. I have not written in months. Partially because I have had no free time, and also because I have been so overwhelmed with life that writing about it doesnt seem to do any justice.
So here I am.
3 weeks left of school and then a week of finals. Most of my class mates wont have to take finals, but I do because I have missed more than one of each class with going to Oregon and to Vegas. Vegas was totally worth it. Oregon not so much. The best thing about my trip was thrift shopping with my sister. Except we have completely opposite taste...
Thrift shopping is my new LOVE. I am obsessed and its all I want to do. The up-side to this is that I dont spend as much money at Charlotte because I know I can get sooo much more at goodwill. LOL.
Vegas...was the best time ever. I was kind of disappointed in the time I spent with Mandy...but things and people change. I think it was just the setting. (Mandy if you read this that is no offense to you, I love you)
Now that I am home, and 21, I am drinking away! Wine is my new favorite thing...Moscato preferably. Its great and gets the job done pretty quickly.
Marqiese and I are...well we are Marqiese and Brittney. The usual. Not together...but not apart. And thats just it. There's still so many things to continue to work on, but with both us working full time and going to school full time, AND living 45 min away from each other, there just isn't time. So we are what we are. I love him. And thats it.
School is AMAZING. I am making so many wonderful friends and getting so many fabulous opportunities. This trimester scholastically has been lame, and somewhat difficult, but I am excited for next trimester.
My lease on my apartment is up in 2 months, and I am moving out of frisco and to dallas so I can be close to school. I have found a roommate who I go to school with and she is pretty cool. I havent told Ashlea yet. Ehh. We havent talked in about 3 weeks:/
Work is also going well. I am finally about to get my raise. Our store is up 40% to plan and killing all the sales goals the company gives us. Todd loves me and thinks highly of me. The DM, and the RM both like me. I am going to the Galleria on Tuesday to help them out with their denim and I am excited about that. Tomorrow is the friday beginning tax free weekend. Pray for me.
I am going out tomorrow night to Lemon Bar and its going to be super fun. Hangin out with my new peeps from Wade.
Even though life is crazy and stressful and difficult, I love it.
&&Thats the Truth of the Matter

The truth is...Slow down!

(This is no criticism of anyone I love)
I log into facebook and my news feed is filled with acquaintances with new pics of their bellies, or newborns, etc.
My roommate/bestfriend has a 6 month old baby.
My 18year old sister is getting married.
I always tell Marqiese that I wanna get married, and have a baby.
Truth is...
I DONT!
Not right now.
Ashlea has to find a babysitter every time she wants to go do anything. She can't run out to her car unless she takes Kennedy with her. Don't get me wrong; Kennedy is beautiful and I have seen how much joy she has brought to Ashlea. But its crazy to me how life completely changes in just 9 months.
Shayla is getting married in April and at first I was jealous.
But I am no longer jealous.
Marqiese explained to me that hopes he has for our wedding, and it makes me wanna wait even longer.
I want something beautiful.
I dont want to have to sacrifice anything because I can't afford it.
Shayla and Daniel will have a beautiful wedding no doubt.
But I am glad I don't have to plan it.
I am glad Marqiese and I can pick up and go to Vegas for 5 days with no worries. School and work is enough for me.
By the time I have kids, I want to be stable; married, financially comfortable, have a home, etc.
Everyone says they dont want to be old when their kids are growing up. Well me either. But I also want to enjoy my young adult-hood!
If you love someone, and they love you, there is no rush!
SLOW DOWN!

You Don't Choose Your Family...

I have been here in Portland since Wednesday morning. My first day here was nice. I spent some time alone, thrift shopping. Then I had lunch with Shayla and her and I did some more thrift shopping. It was fun and relaxing. Every day after that has been annoying and frustrating. With little splashes of fun. My sister has been so stressed and grumpy that she smoked a
pack of cigarettes in less than 48 hours. That's a lot to me! My dad likes to have the answers to everything and that gets old...
The most irritating thing this whole trip has been the family expectations. Most people don't have both sides of their family in the same town but I just got lucky I guess. I have both grandmothers breathing down my neck. on Friday my mom's mom bitched at shayla because I had been here since Wednesday and hadn't seen her yet! Well excuse the hell out of me! She knew I was in town! I just have to visit everyone and do all of these things before I leave and have had no
time to just relax. That's what I hate about coming to Oregon. The time I spent with my family on Friday was interesting. I felt like I didn't belong. Like I don't belong in the Kuntzmann family or the Callaway family. I am just so ready for my own family. I didn't think they were funny, mostly annoying... but there are all these expectations.
I just can't wait to go home to Texas. Where it's hot! And my friends are, and my family aren't. And my BOO especially. You can choose a lot of things in life but you can't choose your family...
&&That's the Truth of the Matter..

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Too much time on my hands...

I wish my parents would have taught me to be financially responsible. They both have so much debt and bad credit and have loans out for all sorts of things...and I am on that same road.

And it sucks.

I am starting school this next week at Wade College majoring in Merchandising Marketing. I will have my associates degree by May of next year and then by May of the following year I will have my Bachelors, if it even takes me that long. I went through this whole process of school crap. I was going to just go to Collin College and take summer classes and then transfer to UNT in January. Come to find out, and and all of my credits from The Art Institute do not fully transfer. Ain't that some shit?! So frustrating. They day I found that out I went and had a meeting with an admissions advisor, Julia, who was wonderful! All of my credits would transfer to Wade which put my more than 2 trimesters ahead of everyone else. Pretty exciting. So I have orientation on the 6th, and then I go to Oregon on the 7th and come home on the 13th...

I am so excited to go visit my Dad and Shayla. Then she is coming home with me so she will be living in Texas again and I am glad. Two of my best friends moved within like 2 weeks of each other. The only thing that sucks is that school starts on the 8th, so I will miss a few days right at the beginning, which reallly stinks.

I got into a stupid car wreck yesterday. I was pulling out of the parking lot and this stupid lady who had her blinker on to turn didnt turn, so she hit me. My car is barely drivable. I will be going to work and back and that is all until we can get it into the shop...

I already made a claim on her insurance so we'll see how long it will take to hear back from someone.

I am trying to decide if I should move into student housing in October, or continue living with Ashlea. I love living with her but I think living with other girls that go to my school would be really fun. I think that is the direction I am heading.

Things with Marqiese are just blahh. Not great not bad.

He wants me to be patient so he can trust me again. Then we might get back together. I am just trying to focus on myself, and school. He seems to be doing the same. We spend time together when its convenient for us, but other than that, just talk a little during the day. Its weird. I'd rather have him in my life a little bit, than not at all. Hmmph.

Vegas is in a little less than 2 months. I will be 21! and I will get to see my BEST FRIEND! I cannot wait. Its going to be an amazing trip.

Anyways.. Just home alone today. Craving some McDonalds.

&&Thats The Truth of the Matter

This Love is a Sure Thing.

Miguel CD is off the chain.

Easter Sunday, on the way to "daddy's" house...

Marqiese says, "this song reminds me of you"

Sure thing. -Miguel.

Two days ago I finally really listened to the song. 

WOW.

You believe in us huh?

Last night...

He says to me.

Aren't you sick of arguing?

I said..Um yeahh

He says; Then why do you do it? Why dont you just walk away.

Here is what I told him.

Through tears.

"Because I believe in the future. I believe in you and me, and I see us looking back on this time and saying 'Look at us. We made it, and it was all worth it.' We fight for this love. We argue for this love."

Arguments are so dumb.

I just wanna spend happy time with you!

In other news.

I am on day 11 of INSANITY.

I am seeing some results. I need to eat better.

This workout program is not only keeping me in shape but reminding me to keep my mouth shut about ol' girl for 60 whole days. Hopefully by then two things will happen. I will be amazingly hot, and she wont bother me at all.

Doin pretty well so far:)

This weekend should be fun.

Its Kelli's 24th Birthday on saturday and 'we goin outtt'.

The whole crew. Yeahh we have a crew now. And I am the only white person! Hahah!

But I have a bangin new outfit to wear to dinner. 

There will be pictures, best believe.

&& Thats The Truth of The Matter.

A gentle reminder

Dear Reader,
This message is for myself. To help me deal with this situation and do some changing...
You may disregard...

Dear Brittney,
You hurt him...
Be grateful that he wants to forgive you.
TRUST HIM.
You have to let go of the person that he used to be...
The situation with Alexis is the exact reason that he wanted to break up and start over again in the first place. So that you wouldn't feel the way you always feel about him..
In the past years, name 2 things he has done for you not to trust him.
Ohh.
You cant.
Remember how much he has changed, and how far he has come.
Give him the benefit of the doubt.
He has NO reason to lie to you now.
You're are not together.
If you don't chill out and stop being so stressful, and ornery, you will lose him.
Stop listening to everyone else about how you don't need that, and don't deserve that.
What he says and how you feel are the only things that matter!
Look at every argument, or something that bothers you, as a challenge to prove him wrong.
Be the girl you were in the beginning.
The one the would do anything, and not get upset about much at all..
Thats how you won him the first time,
DO IT AGAIN!
No problem.
TRUST HIM.
If you would've done that in the first place, you wouldn't be in this situation you're in now.
You don't have to be perfect.
Just don't be a stressor in his life.
Dont give him anything bad to say about you.
Dont let that girl get to you.
She means nothing in the big scheme of things.
You've got this.

A daily must..

I have decided this.
Blogging should go hand in hand with this ridiculous insanity workout plan that I am doing. When I blog it clears my head and I'm able to see things for what they actually are.
So I need to do it.

I went through his phone. Found something I didn't like but wasn't his fault. And now he's mad at me for not trusting him.
Rightly so.
All of the things he has been telling me are true.
Why do I have this doubt in my mind?!
Does it all go back to the beginning? Back to when I was that other girl. Ol' girl as I like to call her. But from what I saw, she really isn't much.
I feel like I keep messing up and keep doing stuff wrong and keep apologizing and not doing anything about it.
My impulse just comes out when it comes to him. Like I can't control what's about to happen next. And it just plain sucks.
I'm supposed to just trust that everything he says is true because when I think back... He has given me no reason no trust him. I wish we could start over. That we could meet again. That all the good memories would be there but the bad ones wouldn't. Maybe that's how I need to treat it. Like a new relationship that I'm crazy about. I'm sorry for pushing you away. things will be better I promise.
Ugh.
&&Thats the Truth of the Matter

And he is good, soo good.

Today has been a good day.
Its my day off. I love having Sunday's off!
I slept til 12.
Watched tv for a while, then went to get a mani/pedi.
Courtesy of Marqiese.
His mom told him that since I do his laundry, he should pay for me to get my nails done. I can appreciate that.
Then I did some housewares shopping at Ross:) Best place ever.
It has been an interested past few days.
Seems like its been filled with silly arguments.
Here is what I cannot understand.
Someone who sees everything so clearly and so far ahead, cant see what I see in this situation.
You say you wanna spend the rest of your life with me. That you want me to have your children...
So be with me!!
Why are you wasting time?
Why are you wasting your time entertaining the idea of someone else?
Because I did?
Clearly that was a mistake.
And now you are making the same one; Maybe a little differently, but a mistake nonetheless.
Spare her heart...
Cause she will fall, and it'll hurt.
Anyways...
Thats just my opinion.

In other news, my sister has love in her life again. And I am so happy about that.
Sometimes they have to go off and figure out what they want to come back and be everything you need. I have done it, marqiese has done it, daniel has done it...and it ok.
Like I told Daniel,
Thankfully they have girls who will wait for their love.
Cause good love is worth waiting for.
So you waited Shayla,
And I will wait now.
Again...
Oh love!

&&Thats the Truth of the Matter.

Maybe I was Much too Selfish...

Enjoying the sounds of Wreckers.
While I sit here in a grumpy mood for no reason.
I have been in this funk all damn day long.
Not sure if its because I just needed some alone time today or what.
But my face has been scrunched up since I woke up...

I am over this though.
We are not fighting. The old Brittney is coming back slowly but surely.
He wants to be with me; Marry me, and have children with me...
But we still cannot be together.
And she can still stay over.
I dont like that!
But every time I start to bring it up, I remember why we are in this predicament in the first place.
My dumb ass.
But how long does it have to go on?
Its been about a month and a half.
So many conversations, and fights, and really great times.
I am just so ready to be with him again.
To be his girlfriend.
To live together again...
To be on that old path again and never stray from it.

But let me get back to this website.
The old Brittney would stay up until it was finished.
Haha!!

&& Thats the Truth of the Matter...

The Difficulty of Forgiveness.

These past few month I feel like the word forgiveness has been thrown in my face on more than one occasion.
I wish I could research this topic before blogging about it, but forgiveness has nothing to do with facts, or statistics. It's a heart matter.
When do you know if you've truly forgiving someone for hurting you, or someone you care for?
Saying the words "I forgive you" really don't mean anything.
Kind of like, saying the words "I love you" don't really make you love someone.
I am not sure what is more difficult; Trying to earn someones forgiveness, or forgiving someone.
Neither one do you have any control over.
I cannot make you forget about how I hurt you. I cannot help channel your thoughts differently. I cannot take back the things that I did.
And you cannot force yourself to forget. You cannot pretend that you don't hurt, or that it doesn't make you sad every single day.
So, how can you really forgive someone?
Forgiveness and trust go hand in hand. I think that is where the difficulty lies.
When you are forced to make a decision on whether or not to forgive someone, that means that you have trusted them enough to be able to hurt you.
You have trusted them with your feelings, or heart, or even life.
And they have done something to betray that trust.
In order to be able to really forgive somebody, you must trust them with yourself yet again.
You have to feel that they are worthy of that trust.
I wish forgiveness was something that you could buy, or even see.
Maybe it'd be easier.
We are supposed to forgive people.
Especially the ones we love.
It is the trust that makes it so difficult.

People do deserve second chances. No matter how difficult that may be.
Time really does heal all wounds.
Eventually, you will forgive.
You will trust me with yourself again.

&&Thats the Truth of The Matter.

Happiness is a Choice

Our internet has been down for about a week now...and I have been going nutty knowing that I am paying for something that hasn't been working.

Since a few days after my last blog, I had another epiphany...

I have been happy.

I have been making a conscious choice to be happy.

To look at the positives in situations, and not the negatives.

Its amazing how helpful this can be to ones spirit.

For instance...

Yesterday I woke up around 9:30; I haven't be able to sleep past 10 for awhile now..

I got ready for they day. I wore a really cool yellow shirt bestowed upon me by my Mandeezy...

I drove to Princeton High to deliver a cookie cake and and some balloons to my sister Natasha who turned 17 yesterday.

On my way back to frisco, my car died. On the side of 380. Just DIED. I was fortunately able to halfway pull into this little mini driveway but my car was still hanging out into the road.

Thankfully I was fairly close to an autozone. So I began my trek in my white shorts and bright yellow top, to the autozone. The whole quarter mile wondering what our tax dollars are spent on if not sidewalks. Ugh.

This all happened around 11:45. I was supposed to work at 12, to meet out new District Manager.

About 10 minutes after arriving at autozone, a woman comes in and says that a police officer is at my car and they've called a tow truck. She offers to give me a ride to my car, and we turn out onto the road with the tow truck right behind us!

They ended up just picking my car up and pushing it up the driveway with the tow truck instead of towing it. I was sooo grateful I almost hugged the tow truck man!

Then a guy from the autozone, Ryan, takes my battery out and we head back and put it on the charger. 45 minutes later we discover that its not the battery so it must be the alternator.

I purchase a new alternator for 220 dollars!

I called firestone to see if they could change it out for me but apparently its against company policy to install customer supplied parts. They quoted me 650 for the new alternator and labor. HAHAHA!!

A different autozone employee, Wilbur, called a guy named Alex who is a mobile mechanic and he came out and took a look at it and said he could do it but it would probably be an hour before he could start. This turned into 2 hours but by this time I wasnt counting. It took another 2 hours for him to change it. But he only charged me 65. Then I got back 50 from returning the old alternator...

The old alternator; the cause of all sounds evil that had been coming from my car for weeks now. If you turned it over, pieces of metal just fell out! It finally gave up on me.

When Alex was finished, my car started quietly, I had saved about 400 dollars...and spent the day with some really cool and funny autozone employees.

There are good people in this world.

Ryan, spent his lunch break taking out my battery, and George spent his lunch break driving to another location to get the alternator.

Another guy whom which I cannot remember his name, gave me a soft taco from taco bell, and Wilbur gave me a great contact; Alex, who gave me an amazing deal.

Although I missed work, and wasted my day, I was happy.

Grateful for these wonderful people.

Grateful that my car didnt get towed.

Grateful that I had made it to my sisters school before my car died.

Grateful that my boss was understanding.

Grateful that I beat my high score on fruit ninja by 100 points;)

After this whole ordeal, I went to Chuy's and saw my boo and had a kids meal, and a frozen strawberry margarita!

I am choosing to spend my days happy.

In love.

With a good job, and great friends;

Wonderful sisters.

Nothing can get to me today:)

&&Thats the Truth of the Matter.

Benefit of the Doubt

Last night he didnt call me..or text me when he got off work...
It made me crazy..and I wanted to blow up his phone.
I assumed he was with Ol' Girl...
But he wasnt.
He was at home studying for a big test and wanted to focus on that.
I would've looked like a jackass if I has blown up his phone and acted crazy.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided that he was probably just busy and would call me later and appreciate that I didnt act the way I wanted to.
And he did.
He called me.
Just to say goodnight and that he loved me.
So do yourselves a favor.
Give people the benefit of the doubt. It will save you embarrassment the majority of the time. Haha!

People do hurt you. But eventually you have to take them out of their box. Because they can change too.
And he has.
MTMS. I love you baby.
Thank you for changing into the wonderful man that calls.
Yayyy!

&&Thats the Truth of The Matter...

Our Wedding Kiss...

We stayed up until after 4am. Who am I these days? Haha! A year ago I never could've stayed up until 4am without whining. But I did...and we watched TV on Hulu...and cuddled. 

We woke up at 12 since neither of us had work/school this morning which is rare. 

I am laying there and he cuddles up to me and asks how I want our wedding kiss to be. This question made me happy to answer, and to demonstrate. 

How is it that one day, you wanna marry someone, and the next day you never wanna speak to them again? Why do our feelings change so often? 

Because feelings are not fact. They are temporary and subject to change.

Feelings should come with a disclaimer. 

Side affects: Spewing of words mixed with any emotion, confusion, lack of reason, etc.

There is another side of it all...

More side effects: Unearthly happiness, indescribable sensations, glowing.

Let me get to my point.

Yesterday while I was blogging, I was frustrated, and angry, and felt so dumb and ignorant.

Tonight while I blog, I feel peaceful. In love; Grateful for him and others in my life. I feel that unearthly happiness. 

He gives me a sense of security in my life. 

I dont wanna go to school, but he pushed me to it anyway because he believes in me. He gives me hope for a future that I never thought was possible. He forces out this side of me that I want to come more natural. This at-ease human being that can roll with the punches; no matter how hard those punches my be.

And the statements above are facts, and will never change.

&&Thats the Truth of the Matter

A little bit of a control freak.

So I woke up this morning, on my day off, in a relaxed, lazy kind of mood. Of course that had to be disturbed with an argument between him and I.
Naturally.
We are going to Vegas for my 21st birthday. He asked me the dates and said he wanted to invite some people. I freaked out and got heated before I could even snap my fingers. There it started an hour long dual which included, cussing, yelling, and hanging up on. Awesome.
I dont know how at the end of every conversation I feel like I should be wearing a dunce cap...but I do.
Why is it that I have to react to every conversation like someone just did me wrong and I have to make a scene about it so everyone knows how upset I am.
I want to get to the place where no one can upset me unless I decide its worth getting mad about...
So we are arguing back and forth and he said he just wants me to trust him. Trust that when he does things, they are usually not what they seem to me. Especially since my perception of things is clearly askew. Damn.
I have to take him out of the box that I have had him in for the past 4 years. The guy that was always hurting me. Clearly he is not that person anymore. When I used to treat him that way, he deserved it...but now he will leave if he is not treated right. Kind of like I always threatened to do... But he does what he says he will do unlike me so if I dont get my shit together, he will leave me. Never speak to me again, and be ok with it. Like he said. He got over a 2 year relationship once, and could do it again if he had to.
The good news is this...
He wants it to be me.
I need to stop acting like the victim...I am the one that needs to fix some stuff now and start treating him how he deserves to be treated. Because he is finally treating me the way I deserve to be treated.
There is another part of this whole thing though.
I am a control freak.
I like to do everything myself. I like to know the plan. I have to have things done the way I want them done.
I think that is another reason why we get into so many arguments. The other night for instance. We were gonna go to Olive Garden for dinner but it was too late by the time we got there. So...we didnt go. And I was grumpy and pissed off because things didnt go according to how I had it in my head. I should've just been grateful that he was walking around Kroger with me instead of ol' girl.
I need to learn how to submit to him. Especially if I wanna be with him forever. Which I do.
He is trustworthy. Its been years since he really truly did me wrong. So get the heck over it already Brittney! Damn!
From now on, I will trust you. I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Which means...since I dont know all of the answers and you understand most things better than I do, I will assume that what you think is best. Haha! I really have nothing to lose at this point...
So here goes.

&Thats the Truth of the Matter.